The Monster Institutions

My first battle occurred at just seven;

I was overpowered by the monster in utter defeat.

Taken in by its sharpened fangs,

It tenderized my being with its crushing bite.

I fought to escape, to leak from its teeth...

It swallowed me whole and digestion began.

Its constricting throat crushed my lungs...

I gasped for air...struggling...to stay alive.

Searching my lungs like a ferocious fire,

From its throat, I fell into acidic air.

I gasped for air as I bobbed in sourness,

But air became the least of my worries

Its stomach acid corroded my flesh,

Dissolving the shell protecting my being.

My will alone was not enough;

My outer shell was eaten away.

Fully exposed to this destructive force,

I entered the bowels of this monstrous beast.

Awake but unconscious, unable to fight,

This monster took hold of my inner being.

Its bowels began to reshape my essence,

Turning me into what I am not

Completing now its unknown work,

It shit me out to be consumed by the next.   

Shane P

Copyright © 2012

Sowing the Seed of Ruination

The carrier of life's

Preoccupation with the world

Has snatched her away

From the ultimate role.

The origin of life

Becomes smudged with toxins,

Inflicting the unarmed

With a habitual need.

Disease infuses

Expanding gray matter,

Permeating the being

Of the soul unknown.

As poisonous provisions

Are cut by separation,

A victimized being

Withdrawals in the world.

On the borderline of

An internal silence,

Strangers' Innovations

Regenerate the inner pulse.

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

The Refined Aggression

Coming forth from an unknown depth,

From a pit of deprivation and emptiness,

Raw material for this steel emerged...

It contained elements of love...and hate.

Being forged through the fires of many hells,

The flames infused anger, mistrust, and...

Aggression, into a force of destruction.

This destructiveness was not alone....

Inherent was the trio of happiness,

Trust, and peace – elements of life.

Within this cold steel a battle waged,

Good elements versus bad elements.

But the refining fires of Hades

Raged to destroy what it saw as impurities...

Happiness...trust...peace...life

It became the sword of refined aggression...

A destructive weapon began its reign.

Beneath its sheath, it laid in wait...

For instigation or cause to act -

Then it would strike.

Thoughtlessly justified in its transgression,

It was too furious to feel remorse.

Ironically, this way of life increased its needs...

To be held...to be useful...to be loved...

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

Drifting to the Welcoming Crowd

With warm smiles and welcoming arms,

I was lured into the welcoming crowd.

It is in their eyes, I see understanding;

Understanding og me, my past, my life.

In their expression, I recognize my pain;

Suffering I thought only I endured.

They seem like me to their inner core,

Not like the kids from earlier years.

My past experiences they seem to welcome

My traumas they hold dear to their heart.

My search for acceptance is over.

I begin to create my own identity,

In the welcoming crowd where I fit in.

We fight with those who make fun of us,

And do what we think our parents would do.

We live on assumptions and know we are right;

We have found the life that met our impulsive needs...

The friends and faces and wild places.

Fighting',fuckin',and getting' high...

The life we wanted 'til the day we die!

Oh so many come and go,

As often and free as the breeze,

They always stop to share a smile

With just the slightest ease.

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

Helpers Who Need the Help

Puzzle masters in their own right,

They piece together fractured minds;

Years of schooling prepared them for this -

To sift through the scattered pieces;

Yet some fail to sift through my own.

Their imperfections and frailties,

Uncollected and corrupted pieces,

Become known through unscrupulous acts;

Acts that have befallen me,

Leaving my mind even more fragmented.

Instead of helping me collect my pieces,

They've scattered my pieces even more;

I was strewn about and incomplete

How could they have taken this role...?

The role of decency they couldn't even fulfill!!!

Mortally wounded by a role abused,

I was unable to receive the help I needed;

Unable to display a completed puzzle,

The empty spaces were filled with madness;

Madness that went forth into the world....

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

The Abusive Hands of Neglect

Beating hands thunderously smack

Against the flesh of a newborn;

It seems any chance he'll surely lack

Emerging in a body that's war torn.

Born into this he was cursed to be;

It seems no blessings he'd ever see.

Before one year, he's inched to death;

He'd almost breath his last breath.

Internal blood gushed around

Inside the battered baby;

His psyche issues were abound,

Seizing hold of the baby.

Born into this he was cursed to be;

It seems no blessings he'd ever see.

Before one year, he's inched to death;

He'd almost breath his last breath.

Returning to where he first saw light,

He's once again with strangers.

Their gifted hands made him right,

But couldn't keep him from dangers.

Born into this he was cursed to be;

It seems no blessing he'd ever see.

Before one year, he's inched to death;

He'd almost breath his last breath.

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

The Polarizing School Kids

“Shane the pain that snorts cocaine,”

A popular phrase with the school kids.

Too young too realize the power in words,

They sliced and diced my emotional core.

How did they know my parents delight?

Why did they think I snorted cocaine?

They cut to my core with their words of hate.

They made me feel stupid and worthless.

I needed their friendship oh so bad,

Yet only received their words of hate.

They brushed me aside as a waste of space,

A kid whose parents didn't even love him.

Anything they knew that different from them,

They used as weapons to crush me.

Like a military bombardment,

They fired their missiles of hate

And dropped their bombs of detest.

I ran to escape their blasts of ridicule;

They pushed me away, so I withdrew.

I never quite knew in which way to go

Yet I knew that scene I wanted to leave.

I just wanted friends and to be accepted;

But in elementary school,

That was too much to ask.

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

No Mother, No Father

The absense of love from my fleshly creators

Leaves a void consuming my soul.

I grasp for love...connection...a bond;

The things I see other kids enjoy.

I long to utter the words, "Mom, Dad;"

But to my mother and father,

Not to imposters!

I yearn for the love of my fleshly creators;

To be held, to be listened to, to be loved...

To know two people exist

That will do anything for me.

But those two people do not exist

I have no one...

No one willing to sacrifice it all for me.

No one listens to me or hears my cries.

I have no parents to hear my thoughts...

To know my needs...

I can only whisper the words,

"Mom, Dad"

To the created images in my mind;

But only when no one's around to hear me.

Only in my imagination

Can I talk to my fleshly creators...

Because I have no mother or father,

My father's not here,

And my mother's long gone.

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

The Friction of Noncompliance

Through pits of grave!

And shards of glass,

My rebellion has dragged me through.

My cries are stifled by conscious regret -

How could I...

How could I have done this to myself?!?!

The friction created

By my choiches in life

Have ripped my body apart!

Why couldn't I hear...

Hear what they were trying to say.

They uttered more than just words!

They expressed their pain!

Their suffering!

Results of their poor choiches;

Their mistakes

That I now relive

So they're not my parents

They're still people with life experiences.

I should have learned from their mistakes,

But I chose not to.

Now the friction and sting from my error

Has tenderized not only my body,

But also my soul.

So many errors..so many mistakes...

How can I still exist?

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

The Essence Deep Within

It's like an onion...harsh...

With its dry and cracking skin,

But I sense there's more -

More than just this protective layer.

My eyes penetrate its flaky covering,

Seeing now a fresh layer of anger...

But there has to be more.

I continue with my pondering gaze,

And see beyond this layer of anger,

But now before me is a layer of pain...

So much pain...

But this can't be all, there must be more...

There's more to life than this.

Ah yes... I see...a layer...

A layer speckled with... happiness.

I knew there was a layer deeper within

Consisting of so much more.

Oh wait... I see its inner core...

Of love...of Oneness...of purpose.

Sure it has its bumps and scars from life,

But its more than the sum of its layers...It's more than pain...and anger...it's love... 

Shane P

Copyright © 2011

A Dysfunctional Love

Oh my love...

Together...

We've been through so much...

For a time...

You were so good to me...

You kept a smile on my face...

And in my heart...

You protected me from my reality...

A reality I couldn't bear alone...

You strengthened me...

I felt indestructible.

Together...

I thought we could accomplish anything -

That my dreams...

Were just at my fingertips.

Oh my love...

You were so pure...

So seemingly good...

With you...

My imperfections faded...

My self-doubts vanished...

I was everything...

Had everything...

God, I loved you so..

You took me to the heights of ecstasy...

Deceptively

Luring me into your webs of lies -

And what lies at the end of your works..

So much of what we've been through,

You put me through!

The only times were good

Were when you blinded me

To the reality I didn't want to see!

A reality I couldn't escape

Only face.

With you...

I never truly smiled...

I frowned, upside down,

Still filled with pain and horror...

You only protected me from the truth

And strengthened my delusions...

As you weakened

Every other aspect of my being,

Setting me up for disaster and 

Complete destruction

You poisoned me with delusions of grandeur;

I believed you would make all my dreams come true;

When in truth,

You single handedly

Destroyed my every dream!

Now...

My imperfections have increased;

My self-doubts have grown...

Because the time I spent with you

Stole the time I had to reach my true potential.

Because of you...

I have nothing...

Am nothing...

You've burned my bridges...

Destroyed my home...

And left me homeless and destitute...

Hanging onto life by a thread

Weaved into the noose

You've hung around my neck.

How could I ever love you?

How could I ever fall for you

After you've done to so many?

Oh my love...

How can you be so wretched and wicked...?

You disguise yourself as a good sensation,

As you disembowel without hesitation.

Oh my love...

This charade is over...

I've allowed you to cause enough

Disaster and destruction in my life...

I will never again be trapped

By your intoxicating ways,

Wishing to be free of you...

Falsely saying never again...

Never again...

For again to come

The very next day...

This dysfunctional love affair

Is over...

I will never...

Ever...

Pick you up again...

Shane P

Copyright © 2011